Who gets to decide what's right and wrong?

I realized something today... there's nothing wrong with me. My whole life I've thought there was something wrong with me, but I'm just a little different than most people are. I'm very much an introvert, and kind of a loner sometimes. I don't like huge groups of people and I do better hanging out with only one or a couple friends at a time. Socializing is exhausting for me because it's something I have to work at because it doesn't come naturally to me, so I need time alone sometimes. My whole life I've been told things like why aren't you talking, why are you on your phone or computer, why don't you go out with us, why do you do this or that, etc. The answer is because it's not who I am. I've tried forever to change that about myself like it is wrong, but it's not wrong it's just me. Yeah I'm quiet, shy, nerdy, and a little socially awkward at times, but thats what makes me loyal, caring, a good listener, and all the things that make me me. In my experience not very many people who come into my life stay. For reasons I never seem to know or understand majority of people leave. Every time it hurts and I spend forever trying to figure out what was wrong with me or what I did wrong. Maybe it's not me. I don't normally give up on people if they can't understand, accept, and appreciate the way I am then maybe I'm better off without them... I need to keep the people who don't care and just like me for me not the people who disappear or feel it's their job to "fix" or change me. I think living alone and not playing softball actually made me come to this conclusion because I do spend an a lot of time alone these days. Like anyone I hate being alone all the time or not having anyone to talk to but for the first time I'm comfortable and feel like I have a place to consider a home to go to at the end of everyday. I don't feel like there's anyone watching me or trying to get me to do things differently and the people that I do still see on a regular basis they don't try to pressure me into things they know that this is just me and there's nothing wrong with that.

A New Thought.

So it's been forever since I've posted anything on here. I think I'm going to try and start again. I've been thinking a lot lately about life and such and realized something. I realized that I've been spending pretty much my whole life trying to be the person that I thought my parents and everyone around me wanted me to be. I've never really done much for myself and I never really worried about what I wanted because I never really thought that mattered. I'm a people pleaser, and I always have been, but I've learned I can't give up who I really am and what I want in the process. Being who other people want or think you should be is actually kind of the easy way out. It may seem hard, but you never have to figure out anything on your own, there's this idea of a plan and person in your head already that you're just trying to copy. Nothing good can really come out of that, I don't know of anyone that has had success with that. I know I sure haven't.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -- E.E. Cummings

Change

Change is a funny thing, most people are deathly afraid of change because we like things we know and don't want to have to get used to something new. Also, people are afraid of change because of what it means to change even if for the better. It's not easy to change or change the way things are it's a bit of a risk and it takes a lot of work. What makes it funny is that majority of people focus on trying to change the past which is the one thing that is impossible to change and they don't do anything to change the present or the future, the two things that they actually can change. And then they focus more on other people's actions which they can't change instead of focusing on changing their own. But I, like many people am at fault for this. I understand that it is a wrong way of thinking but it's just so hard to change.... I am currently in the process of changing my life... It's without a doubt the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. It's a slow process that I'm trying to take one step at a time. I'm currently trying to learn that I CAN change, that it IS possible. I have to learn that I cannot change the past and what has happened. I can only change the way it effects me and the way I respond to it, and learn from it instead of letting it torture me every single day. Change is not easy but once complete it can be an amazing accomplishment.

One of the difficult things about change is that once you decide to take the necessary steps to change you become so focused in your goals that you sometimes tend to forget about the people that you love the most and how your decisions also affect them... There are so many fine lines but life is just about finding the right combinations and making it all work out even if sometimes by trial and error...

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending"

-- Maria Robinson

"The key to change... is to let go of fear."

-- Roseanne Cash

Just For Fun

Ok, so the object here is to guess what you think the picture means in words and under the picture a ways I'll put what it's supposed to be.

Light Beer

Card Shark

Assaulted Peanut

Dr. Pepper

Egg Plant

Knight Mare

Whole Milk

King of Pop

Tap Dancers

Gator Aide

Pool Table

IPod

So there's no quote to go with this post.  My mom sent me this email and I thought I would share. :)

Trust

According to Dictionary.com the definition of trust is reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.  Trust has not always been something that I have had a lot it.  I have trusted very few people in my life and I keep a lot of things to myself, because I don't think anyone will care, or want to listen, and over time that really takes a toll.  I learned today though that maybe the reason that I cannot trust anyone is because I don't give anyone the opportunity to show me that they can be trustworthy... Maybe I should give some people that opportunity...

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."

--Walter Anderson

PostSecret Sunday

PostSecret is a blog run by Frank Warren that started as an art project.  It asks people to to send a decorated postcard but the catch is that people write their secrets on the postcard.  It is amazing to me how many have been willing to open up their hearts, scars, and past sharing these sometimes funny and sometimes painful secrets with the world, but being able to release these secrets seems somewhat therapeutic.  I look forward to each and every Sunday so I can go online and see all the new PostSecrets.  I also own 3 of the books filled with secrets that every now and then I like to sit down and look through.  The best part about these secrets is that anyone reading them can always find at least one secret that they also share, I save the ones I can relate to to my computer just to know I'm not completely alone.  This week was a tad but disappointing just because there wasn't really any that I just went wow I can relate to that, but there were still a few good ones that I liked. 

I like this one because mostly because I hope it doesn't happen to me.  I'm double majoring in Software Engineering and Cognitive Science and it's a lot of work to get there just like I know it was for anyone working at NASA with those kinds of thoughts.  Being challenged intellectually is very important to me.  I love things that make me think and the thought of living a life where I'm not learning and not being able to think and solve problems really sucks.  

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death"

--Albert Einstein

Just A Post

So I've spent the last few days trying to come up with this really witty first post, but nothing was coming to mind. I thought I had to come up with something great and profound but I realized I don't.  This is just for me and a place where I can I put any random thought or realization, and that's pretty cool.  So I've thought about making a blog off and on for what seems like forever.  The idea of a blog has always seemed appealing.  I'm the kind of person that thinks all the time, it seems to never stop, and the the things I think about or the way I think about things isn't really the kind of stuff normal people think about (even saying "normal" sends my mind on this long tangent about what is normal? and does normal even exist but i'll spare you all that for now).  So I thought a place where I would be able to unjumble and release these thoughts would be good so I would stop thinking on top of other thoughts completely confusing myself and not really being able to distinguish between them anymore.  

So what am I going to blog about?  Well, I don't even really know at this exact moment.  It's probably going to end up being a wide variety of things.  I love a good quote, a good movie, a good song, a good picture, a good adventure, a cool new gadget, and a good thought provoking question.  I have a hard time staying on track so there's not going to be any real structure at all.  

I named the blog "We know what we are, but know not who we may be." because every person we meet, every experience we have, every lesson we've learned has made us who we are today, but the future is unwritten and we don't know what is going to happen and we still have the opportunity to make the changes we want to make, we change a little everyday so we can never know who we will become but can only do our best to become the person we think we want to be.  

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." 

-- George Bernard Shaw.